The Moth Hunter

Next to the relentless mosquitoes who buzz your shit at 2:37 am on those hot and humid summer mornings, nothing is more annoying than a moth.

In my opinion.

Last night I'm in my room, minding my own business when this big moth comes charging through my bedroom window like he owns the place...

So I'm watching this bastard fly around my room and he's just totally out of control. The little prick has no flying skills what so ever. He's head butting the ceiling, flying face first into the walls, bouncing off the god damn furniture...

So like most moths, of course they have to fly up in your business, right?

You see that's the thing. I would actually be cool with moths if they actually respected my air space. Butterflies respect my air space. Most creatures, insects, animals, etc. respect my air space, my boundaries, and in return, I respect theirs. That's the agreement we have.

For example, the spider crawling on my ceiling right now.

Does that little spider truly understand how easy I could destroy him? But I won't. He's not bothering me. We're cool.

Not moths.

In fact, the second this moth came barging through my bedroom window I was convinced he had "beef" with me.

WHHHHOOOSH!!! This little cheap shot son of a bitch is a head hunter! He's coming right at me again! Kinda like a god damn Kamikaze pilot! I jump out of my chair and now it's on. The little arrogant prick couldn't leave well enough alone.

I grab my Sports Illustrated, roll it up tight and start methodically trying to knock this punk bitch into the middle of next week. I mean I'm taking some serious whacks at him.

After swinging and missing several times, I realized that connecting on a wayward moth was going to be a lot more difficult than I imagined. Frustration was setting in. The more I swung and missed, the faster and more aggressive the moth became.

I mean he was flying right through fire to get at me.

All of a sudden, I start to notice this moth is flying in what appears to be a designed pattern, he's circling the ceiling light at least 3 times before colliding with the closet door and making a run at me...

So that's when I decide to use human intelligence and out smart him with some old fashioned anticipation. I firmly grip my Sports Illustrated moth duster and settle in at the plate, calm, relaxed...

I just knew this moth was about to pay a very painful price.

My eyes followed him as he bounced off my closet door and with that, I took an enormous whack at a specific location rather than this moving target. Brilliant move! Homeboy decides to fly right into the batters box and the first swing I take connects with pinpoint precision.

Fuckin' Wade Boggs!

"The Glimmerman"

The other day I was thinking about day time TV talk shows and how big of a legend Geraldo Rivera is.

If you haven't already, you should really "Youtube" some of Geraldo Rivera's classic moments on day time television.

Dude was "The Glimmerman." Geraldo Rivera would not hesitate to throw down with any guest who looked at him sideways...

My personal favorite has got to be the one where Geraldo is trying to conduct an outdoor interview with 3 Klansmen when one of these brainless turds is like,

"Why don't you go back where you came from...(something, something)..."

And then dude proceeds to drop a racially insensitive term for Mexicans and with that, Geraldo starts whuppin' that skinheads ass...

HUGE BRAWL!!!

Immediately, I leap out of my chair screaming, "JERALDO! WHAT A LEGEND!!!"

Because how many other TV talk show hosts would throw down like that?

Phil Donahue? Jerry Springer? Regis Philbin?

Oprah? I don' think so.

Only Geraldo.

Only Geraldo shows up LIVE from Baghdad, dressed in full middle eastern garb and ducks shrapnel on the frontline like he's John Rambo.

I love this guy!

Raccoon Vs. Pitbull

All my life I've pondered what would happen if you caged a raccoon, threw him in the ring with a pit bull and had them fight to the death. No, I'm not going to start a thread about how my animal abusive uncle pulled off such a feat (because he would), but this morning at around 3am, I was fortunate enough to witness about 30 seconds worth of this dream match-up and it did not disappoint!

I'm sound asleep when suddenly I'm awakened by the intensity of a fierce street fight between 3 cats, it was pure bedlam, and everybody knows what a cat fight sounds like. The only reason this cat fight peeked my interest was because usually cat fights last about 15-20 seconds before one cat realizes he's about to get his ass whupped and runs away like a little bitch!

Not this fight. This was fuckin' "Ali/ Frazier" and after about 45 seconds of ferocity, I knew I had to get some ringside seats. These cats were absolutely getting after it!

I ran to my front room window and it was beautiful!! The street light in front of my neighbors house shined right down on the fight like I was at "Mandalay Bay." The only thing missing was a giant bong rip and a few half naked ring card girls, and beer.

So I must have been watching this "free for all" for about 45 seconds when out of nowhere, this big fuckin' raccoon rolls up "5 deep" out of an alley between my house and my neighbors' to the right.

I mean, he's got his posse in full effect.

I don't know, they may have been his bitches, all I know is I saw him out the corner of my eye and at first I thought it was fuckin' "Cujo," that's how big this 'coon was! I see raccoons all the time but this bastard was abnormally big. The intense whine of the cat fight must have attracted his attention, he was probably eating out of some back alley dumpster when he heard the commotion, turned to his hoes and was like, "You wanna see me whup some ass?"

So he rolls up with his entourage and within seconds this cat fight comes to an abrupt end.

Game over. Thanks for coming!

In the blink of an eye, two of the cats see the cavalry coming and they're like, "No need to stick around here, that's the biggest fuckin' raccoon we've ever seen, we're OUT!!"

Now the other cat, he didn't move. He must have paged the 'coons or some shit because you could tell they were boys.

So I'm watching this and my adrenaline is flaring like a pack of hemorrhoids! I love confrontation, especially between animals! Granted, I'm a little disappointed that this raccoon broke up a really entertaining cat fight but, just when I was about to climax all over myself, things got really interesting...

My neighbors to the left own a pit bull named "Davis", and by no means is Davis one of those "trained to kill" pit bulls, he's actually a sweetheart however, like most pit bulls, Davis can snap and tear a mud hole in your ass.

He's the kind of dog that is cool with humans but will not hesitate to obliterate any cat/ possum he can run down. Occasionally he'll get under the fence which doesn't bother me at all but has the neighbors terrified.

Sure enough, Davis also heard the commotion and wanted to get a live glimpse himself, he just had no idea he was about to come face to face with a 105+ pound 'coon.

The second I see Davis my butt hole puckers and I let out a "HOLY SHIT!!!"

Instantly I knew this had the potential to be AWESOME!!!

My roommate, thinking somebody was breaking into his piece of shit car, comes bolting out of his room half asleep, problem was, it's black as pitch in our house and all I heard was a thunderous collision, apparently dude ran head on into the hall way corridor, splitting his wig wide open!

He picks himself up off the floor, bleeding from a 2 inch gash on his forehead but still having no idea whats going on outside, he turns his attention to what I'm watching and absolutely flips out!! He's more pumped up than I am!

You have to understand, my roommate and I are HUGE boxing fanatics who are also the type of guys who will have heated debates over, "Who would win in a fight?"

This was right up our alley.

So the minute this gang of raccoons see Davis, four of them decide it was in their best interest to find the nearest escape route and head back to the crib.

Not the big fella.

This raccoon had balls of steel.

Davis was even lookin' at him like, "Hey Holmes, is your ass crazy or something? I'm a pit bull, son."

However, the only thing on this raccoons mind was settling a score, once and for all. He wasn't about to get "punk'd" by some goofy ass lookin' pit bull.

So Davis is sizing up the situation and this raccoon immediately goes into a defensive attack position.

"I got 20 on the pit bull," says my roommate.

"You're on," I replied.

In what seemed like a matter of seconds, a 20 dollar wager was on the table as my roommate and I were engaged in a pre-fight breakdown ala "Jim Lampley" and "Larry Merchant" from "HBO Sports".

He starts going off about Davis having "lock jaw," and once Davis establishes that advantage the fight would be over. Davis would tear him apart.

I start telling him that it's not going to matter what kind of jaw Davis has, only that Davis was about to enter a "world of pain", and that once he gets close, that raccoon is going to tear his face off.

Unfortunately, in what would amount to one of the biggest buzz kills of all time, neither one of us would be able to collect on our winnings as Davis' owner, Mrs. Shields, came running out of her house with a toilet plunger and scared the raccoon off.

MEGA MAN

This is the story I was told. I wasn't there, so I don't know if it's true or not, all I can do is relay what I was told.

When my little brother was about 8 years old (and I wanna say this was 1987?) he used to go over to a friends house and they would have what is now known as "play dates". That's what the parents call it today. Back then they weren't called play dates. Back then you just jumped on your fuckin' bike and rode over to your friends house.

Regardless....

One of the "hottest" toys at the time was of course the NES (Nintendo Entertainment System) and this could pretty much spell the end of all outdoor activities. Didn't matter if it was Super Mario Brothers, The Legend Of Zelda, Contra, Mike Tyson's Punchout. A new game presented new challenges, and those new challenges would eat up an entire Saturday afternoon.

On this day the game was "Mega Man".

The plan of attack was pretty basic. Everybody would sit around with a 2 liter of "Orange Crush" eating "Doritos" and taking  turns playing "Mega Man." As with anything, the more you play the better you get. Sometimes these kids would put in 6-7 hours a day playing this one game, reaching new and much more exciting levels of "Mega Man" in hopes to eventually conquer the game.

Well, legend has it that one time, in the midst of achieving a landmark new level (Level 9), one of my brothers' friends would introduce a new, unorthodox style of play.

You see, instead of pressing the "pause" button on the NES controller, this kid would get so excited about the endless possibilities of Mega Man Level 9 that he once waived off a trip to the bathroom and broke one off in his pants, right there in the living room.

Oh yeah. Where most kids would be like, "Hey I gotta take a crap..." then press pause. This little savage "ain't got time for that." No need to keep everyone waiting, homeboy just decided