Fred Was No Leader

I couldn’t agree any less with your views on Fred and Velma. In my humble opinion, Fred, Daphne, and Velma were completely f**king useless.

First off, if Fred and Velma were so valuable, the cartoon wouldn’t have been called “Scooby Doo”, it would have been called “Fred and Velma”.

Secondly, the way I see it, Fred couldn't care less about solving mysteries, nor did that guy have any leadership ability what so ever. The only thing on Fred's mind was nailing Daphne.

In fact, I'll even take it a step further, I think Fred was running a train on Daphne and Velma, which is precisely why he always made Shaggy and Scooby “go that way”, while he, Daphne and Velma went whatever way the Mystery Machine was parked.

Come on! This was no mystery, the kids may not have picked up on it but I wasn't born last night.

9 times out of 10 it was 'Shag and Scoob' who encountered the villain first, while Fred was having unprotected sex with Velma because Daphne was a whore.

That's how he got herpes.

Now I'll give you that sometimes Scooby was a pussy, but when given a "Scooby Snack", Scooby was 100 times more valuable than Fred.

As for Velma, how many times are you going to lose your glasses before it becomes apparent that you are a closet drunk and an uncoordinated train wreck? Put the dildo away and do something productive for crying out loud.

Seriously, watch any episode of Scooby Doo where Fred strong arms Velma into going with Shaggy and Scooby and watch the look on Shaggy's face.

He's like, "Ah FUCK!" Every time.

Black Bear...

Sometimes I’ll have a knee jerk opinion that I’ll give very little thought. For example, the time I claimed that in a fist fight with a black bear, a human being stands a fighting chance. The past few years I’ve spent openly suggesting that if attacked by a black bear in the woods, instead of “playing dead” like you are supposed to do, I might be able to “shock the world”, get inside and land a huge right hand on the buzzer. Lights out. A black bear, maybe. A grizzly, no chance.

So amongst the cries of people telling me that I was “bat shit crazy”, I still held onto this belief. Until this weekend...

It was around 1:30 pm and my girlfriend and I had just returned from our favorite thrift store in Tahoe City. "Pass It On" Thrift Store. Place is legendary. I spent maybe 17 bucks and was able to score some pretty nice garments.

As I stood in the mirror sporting my thrifty new shit, I heard my girlfriend call out what I thought sounded like, “WHERE’S MY BEER!?!? "

Where's the beer? I put it in the refrigerator, I thought. And then she said it again, however this time, I heard exactly what she said...

“THERE’S A BEAR!!!” she screamed.

And with that, I come bolting out of the bedroom, hurdle over the living room sofa like some kind of fuckin' Bruce Jenner, and I'm not talking the weird looking Bruce Jenner of "Keeping Up With The Kardashians" fame, I'm thinking like, 1984 Bruce Jenner. The Bruce Jenner with long hair and the butt huggers.

So I take one look at this monster and decided that it was true, I was indeed “bat shit crazy.” There’s no way on earth I could land anything flush, this thing was a beast. He was big but he wasn't black, he was brown, reddish brown. My "kicking a black bears ass" theory had nothing to do with these black bears, these ones don't even look like black bears, they look like grizzlies. They'll kill you for fun.

Shortly after this encounter I purchased a book called "Bear Aware" at a small market in Homewood. It was somewhat of a survival manual in case of encountering a bear in the woods. I read his little book with great interest. To think that lying on the ground and "playing dead" is the recommended procedure when a black bear rushes you totally blows my mind. You're just gonna lie down like that? Seal your fate and put it in the hands of a bear?

I couldn't do it.

"Well it beats the hell out of running."

Does it? Because I think if you're in the woods, chances are you're gonna be in the vicinity of trees. Big trees. Trees with big trunks. I'm a firm believer that in the woods, a human being can use the trunk of a tree to elude a bear the same way you could elude someone by running around a car. Bears are very intelligent creatures and will get easily frustrated once they become aware that you're playing game of keep away and using a tree trunk as a shield.

Bears goes left, you go right. Bears go right, you go left.

There's no way he can get his big ass around the radius of a tree faster than a human being can. People need to give themselves more credit. If the game is size, speed and strength, a bear beats us every day of the week, but if the game is intelligence, a bear doesn't stand a chance.