JUST ASK JR: Unfriendly Food Critic

DEAR JIMMY: My wife and I have a friend, "Jonah," whom we love dearly, but he has no filter. He's college-educated, has a white-collar job and is over 50. The problem is, anytime we invite him for dinner or take food items to his house, he makes horrible remarks about my wife's cooking, particularly when it's a holiday party based on my wife's Slavic heritage.

My wife is a really good cook. No one else makes fun of these foods, many of which are common in the U.S., but Jonah makes negative comments every time. I have told him that it's rude, and so has my wife.
We would hate not inviting him to future parties with our usual crowd, but it gets me upset when he does this. My wife has actually prepared an alternative meal for him so he won't have to eat the "heritage-style" food. He even makes snide comments when I bring foods popular in other parts of the U.S.
Jimmy, do we continue inviting him or not? It is straining our friendship. -- ALEX IN NEW HAMPSHIRE

Alex,

As a well noted food critic myself, I often find myself wondering what it is about one's skills in the kitchen that makes the topic of cooking so easily offensive. You say being critical of a dish is "rude"? How so? Are you suggesting Jonah doesn't have the right as a human being to eat your wife's slop and tell the truth about it? Let me guess, you're probably one of those "if you don't have anything nice to say..." types, correct?

Well I disagree. In fact, I couldn't agree any less.

You say, "my wife is a really good cook" but, in all honesty, you don't speak for anyone other than yourself. Look, this isn't Nazi Germany. Just because you enjoy your wife's cooking doesn't mean everyone else has to. And if I come over to your house and your wife is serving up some Slavic garbage, sure, I guess I could bite my tongue and wait until I get in the car, or I can tell you straight up, right there at the dinner table.

"This is God awful. And I'm not eating it." If you're lucky it'll stop there. Look at me sideways and with every bite I may express a desire to eat seagull shit off the rocks in Half Moon Bay rather than the crap your wife is putting in front of me.

You don't like Jonah's snide commentary? Well if there's one thing I can't stand it's these fake "foodies" who will shovel shit down their throats, then sit around and blow smoke up your ass about how "amazing" everything is in fear of offending the cook. When in reality, their taste buds are sending a clear message to the brain which states, "This is the fuckin' worst!" 

Now whether or not you continue inviting Jonah to dinner is up to you, but just understand if you don't, you come off looking like the average fascist dick head who doesn't want to be in the company of anyone who doesn't think the way he does. Thicker skin, Alex. It's a tough pill to swallow, knowing that someone thinks your wife is a horrible cook, but it can't be any more difficult to swallow than swallowing your wife's halusky.

Just Ask JR: Wedding Invitations

DEAR JR,

I teach at a fairly small school. My grade-level teaching team consists of five teachers who work closely together. During the last school year, one of my team members got engaged. This year, we've had a change of staff and now have a new member on our team. My colleague has not, and does not, plan to invite this new member to her wedding, although the rest of us are invited. The save-the-dates and shower invitations have all been hand-delivered at school, making it awkward for the girl who has not been invited.

I feel it wasn't appropriate to include all but one of the team simply because she is new to the group. Am I correct in feeling that my colleague did not handle this appropriately? -- Sarah L.

Sarah,

First off let me start by saying I think all weddings are overrated and a colossal waste of time. Therefore, I'm gonna put myself in "new colleague's shoes" and pretend I was the one who didn't get invited.

My reaction?

"Who gives a fuck." Because well, I didn't want to go anyway.

Quite frankly, I don't care who is getting married. 10 out of 10 times I don't want be there. In fact, I'm gonna get up on my soap box right now and use this as a platform to remind anyone reading this, if you're about to get married and have intentions on sending me an invite, please don't. Save it for someone who actually wants to be there. Sending me an invite only means I have to manufacture some horseshit excuse as to why I can't go and, "because I don't want to" isn't socially acceptable.

I hate weddings, there's no doubt I'm gonna hate your wedding, and honestly I really don't give a shit who found love. Odds are the love you found is just one big giant charade anyway. A "look at us" convention where nobody in the god damn room would know the true definition of love if it bit them in the ass. In fact, I'll go out on a limb and say the only reason this circle jerk even takes place is because, like the majority of marriages, "it was time".

That's not love. No, no it isn't. Because someone's biological clock is ticking and desperation is setting in does not mean it's love. It means it's a failed marriage waiting to happen. Better that I don't go because when the divorce papers get delivered I'll be disappointed that I attended your little shit show in the first place.

So now that we got that out of the way, I'm with you 100%.

Look, the person getting married is either a penny pinching cheap fuck or purposely snubbing her colleague on some work place power trip. It's a bitch move and the person doing it is probably gonna hide behind the excuse, "Well, I don't even know her very well. Why should I feel obligated to invite her?" She's obviously managing wedding invites like she's still in her college sorority. I mean how hard would it be to fire the new girl an invitation? Just pull up a chair.

Not hard at all. Hell, if I worked there I'd give her mine.

Who's The Chicken Now?

For the better part of 5-6 years now I've been forced to absorb one of the most ridiculous claims I've ever heard in the history of sports. Don't get me wrong, I've heard some stupid shit before but this one takes the cake.

I'm talking about pundits like ESPN's Skip Bayless grandstanding on air about how Floyd Mayweather Jr., easily the best pure boxer of his generation and arguably the best defensive fighter of all time has tap danced around welterweight champion Manny Pacquiao because, as Skip and a host of others have put it, "Floyd is a chicken".

Just Ask JR: Elliot Rodger Lives Next Door

Dear JR,

Two years ago, a couple built a home on the lot next to ours. From the time they moved in, we have been concerned about their 11-year-old son's anti-social behavior. It began with him trying to coax our dog into his yard when we were trying to call her in. Then he started coming into our yard, playing roughly with our three small children and using vulgar language around our 8-year-old daughter.
He is no longer allowed in our yard and has been kicked out of three other homes in the neighborhood. The most recent incident occurred a few days ago, when he yelled a profanity at our daughter. I called his mother, and she told me her son would "never behave that way"!

JR, this boy is creepy. I don't trust him. He stands in his yard staring at us whenever we are outside. I'm worried his behavior will get worse. Other neighbors have seen him abuse his dog and other animals. His parents never watch him. What do we do? I'm worried about my children's safety. - Alicia in Wisconsin

Alicia,

I’m just going to be honest with you. The kid is a fuckin’ weirdo. And as is the case with most people in your situation, you’ll probably just brush it under the rug and assume the next Charles Manson isn’t living next door. Then you come home from work one day and that dog of yours is laying in the driveway with her god damn head lopped off!

Assumption is your worst enemy.

But if you’re going to assume anything, it’s best to assume the worst. It’s best to assume this kid is only days away from kicking your front door in with a loaded shot gun and laying waste to all of you.

Oh yeah, I’m serious. I’m serious as a fuckin’ heart attack. I got the chills just reading your inquiry. 11 years old? Did you hear the one the other day about the 10 year old who beat his 90 year old grandmother to death?

Demon seeds.

What should you do? Well, I mean, conventional wisdom suggests you should be proactive with this little psycho’s parents. Find out what his deal is, is he taking his medication, etc. And what they’re doing about it? Then again, the fact that this little pricks mother is in denial is the biggest red flag of them all.

Do you want the police involved? Do you want to discuss restraining orders and things like that? Seems like a big hassle and a piss poor quality of life. Hey look, it’s not your fault Alicia. It’s not your fault that you’re living next door to Elliot Rodger 2.0. Me personally, I’d get the fuck out of there. Like, yesterday! Pack your shit and get the hell out of dodge. That’s my advice. That’s what I would do. Error on the side of caution.

Or not.  Or hang around, pretend it’s nothing and end up on the front page of the Wisconsin Daily Journal.

Just Ask JR: Maiden Names

Dear JR,

I'm thinking about marrying my longtime boyfriend, but I'm hesitant because he wants me to change my last name. I want to keep my maiden name as my mother did. Most of the women I look up to in my life kept their names.

My boyfriend says my wanting to keep my name tells him I am not committed. He says he'd be really hurt if I did it. I feel that retaining my name is the ultimate in female empowerment. The tradition of women changing their last name goes back to when we were treated as property and not educated. What do you think I should do?- Sally Rogers

Dear Sally,

First off, I don't agree that dropping your maiden name and accepting his means you are being treated as "property", or that you aren't educated. At the same time, your boyfriend's belief that you aren't "committed" because you wish to keep your maiden name is equally as ridiculous.
Do what you want Sally. This is about you. It doesn't have a god damn thing to do with him or his views on traditional marriage.

If you want to keep your maiden name, hyphenate it and add his at the end, that's it. End of discussion. Besides, what's he gonna do about it, leave you? Good! Because that says a lot about the kind of dick you were planning to marry in the first place. At the end of the day, it's none of his fuckin' business. In marriage, his only business is to love you unconditionally. I mean you aren't even married yet and he's acting like a spoiled 3 year old who isn't getting his way.

If I was a woman I'd keep my last name too. It's amazing how some of us guys can't understand how a woman wants to be proud of the family she comes from. To the end.

Look, tell Fred Flinstone to back off the gas pedal and learn to accept you for the woman you are, understand and appreciate the choices you make, at the same time making sacrifices of his own for the woman he loves.

Otherwise he'll have you out in the field pickin' berries.

One more time just so we're clear.

If I'm down at the local YMCA running a little 5 on 5 full court, "Shirts Vs. Skins" and this dude walks in with his boys wearing a headband, and he's like, "Yo, we got next." I don't care if it means there's a glaring mismatch on the floor, I'm not guarding him.

I'm not letting this guy post me up in the low blocks. There's no fuckin' way.

Colin Kaepernick's Tattoos

Please stop the following:

First and foremost, please stop mentioning Alex Smith's name in the same sentence as Joe Montana. You're embarrassing Joe and you're embarrassing yourselves. The impressive stat line argument is weak at best. Consider the differences in playing calling. With certain QB's you can open up the play book and take risks down the field, Alex Smith's impressive stat lines are mostly due to "safe" 7 yard completions. Quick hits.

He rarely makes plays and poses very little threat inside the red zone. Because of Alex Smith's statistical "efficiency", the 49ers offense has become handcuffed. Stripped of big plays down the field and shots at the end zone, evidenced by David Akers numbers last season.

Please stop giving Alex Smith credit for last years 13-3 season. Yeah, he deserves some credit, but what comes first, the chicken or the egg? Jim Harbaugh used Smith to perfection. Give credit where credit is due. In other words, if you're going to make excuses as to why Smith struggled for 6 years, blame the coaching, blame the offensive line, blame the wide receivers, blame his haircut, etc. the least you can do is play it both ways.

"Most" of Smith's success comes from riding the coattails of a dominant defense. The same way Trent Dilfer rode shotgun with the Ravens and won.

And please, please stop drooling over Smith's post season performance against the Saints. It's old and it's tired. He did nothing for 3 quarters then woke up in the 4th and remembered he was a #1 overall draft pick. He went toe to toe with one of the best QB's in the league. I understand it was a vindication game, similar to Barry Zito's performance in the NLCS against St. Louis but Barry Zito followed up that performance with a gem against Detroit and the Giants won the World Series.

Smith followed up his super hero performance by struggling against the Giants in the NFC Championship game at home. Same old Alex. 1 for 13 on 3rd downs? Drive stalling while the 49ers defense draws a line in the sand, giving it everything they had against an elite NFL QB. Make a play, Alex.

Stop blaming Kyle Williams for that loss. The QB is the leader of the team. Be accountable. If Alex Smith makes one big play in the clutch, one throw, just one clutch throw...David Akers could have won that game on his leg and Kyle Williams would never have been put in that position.

So stop. Just stop. Stop baby sitting Alex Smith. Stop pretending he didn't lose his job to the likes of JT O' Sullivan, Shaun Hill and Troy Smith, only to win his job back because all 3 of those guys aren't quality QB's either. When all else fails, give the job back to the 1st round draft pick who makes the most money.

I don't care who the head coach is, QB's like Peyton Manning, Eli Manning, Aaron Rodgers, Ben Roethlisberger, Andrew Luck, Robert Griffin III....Brandon Weeden, etc. don't lose their starting job to JT O'Sullivan. It just doesn't happen.

So stop jeopardizing a championship caliber football team by suggesting that what you saw on Monday Night Football against the Bears was an aberration. "Well, (Colin) Kaepernick played against the Bears and the Bears defense isn't that good."

STOP!

You're a bunch of fuckin' excuse makers playing sentimental favorites. Granted, it took Alex Smith 7 years to understand how to play NFL football so it's understandable that you can't comprehend how a guy like Kaepernick shows up and does what he did. It's called having natural ability. Believe it or not, some QB's don't experience the same struggles Alex has. Some step right in and win Super Bowls, Tom Brady.

Keapernick understands how to play the game. He's got a better arm than Alex, he's more mobile than Alex, he's got better pocket presence than Alex, he's a better leader than Alex, his ceiling is way higher than Alex. This is a business. The bottom line is winning championships. This isn't a reality television show where you live vicariously through the players and relate to their struggle because you like who they are. This is the NFL. And when you don't play at a high level, you run the risk of someone coming along who has more ability than that lame duck QB you've grown to love over the past 8 years.

Time to move one.

SOUSA: An American Hero

I don't think you really know unless "The San Francisco Zoo" puts you in that situation (because they are a bunch of incompetent idiots) but sitting here right now, if you asked me, I don't think I would do it.

Mountain lion? Ok. Black bear? I might give it a shot. Siberian tiger? Not a fuckin' chance.

You could put me and 4 of my closest friends in that exact same situation and when the tiger comes over the enclosure, (the illegal enclosure that was in clear violation of safety standards) I'm running. And if my adrenaline rush gives me a step on my slow, uncoordinated buddy who eats too many cheeseburgers, to where at one point I'm running a fuckin' 4.2 40, the cries of my friend as he's being mauled to death by a Siberian tiger will forever be remembered in my head, but never would I feel any sense of guilt for not going back to help him.

Fuck him, survival of the fittest.

"Some friend you are."

Exactly my point. I wouldn't do it. But Carlos Sousa did.

Carlos Sousa heard the cries of his friend and went back to square off against "Tatianna The Tiger", an animal that he had absolutely no chance against. It was a guaranteed death sentence.

Unfortunately, that story never got told. Nobody ever wanted to address that angle. Instead, the heroic actions of Carlos Sousa were over shadowed by a carefully crafted, bullshit agenda. A "save your own ass"approach by the San Francisco Zoo in which Sousa and his friends "got what they deserved" after reports surfaced that they may have been "taunting" the tiger.

Personally, I don't give a shit what anyone said or did that may have hurt Tatianna's feelings, any young man who makes the choice to go toe to toe with a Siberian tiger and risk his own life to save his friend is hero in my book. That's some Tarzan shit right there.

Take Back Crystal Springs Reservoir

Here's a pretty good look at Crystal Springs Reservoir up off I-280. I took this picture myself while hiking along "Sawyer Camp Trail" in search of the bald eagle. And since I took this picture I feel it's only necessary that I say what I think about it.

So here goes.

If it was up to me, this would all be open to the public. In fact, I say we make that happen. Camping, campfires, roasting marshmallows, fishing, houseboats, paddle boats, jet ski's, sex in the bushes. All that. One big recreational area...

Marco Polo.

Now I understand that some of you anal red asses from the suburbs aren't gonna sign off on this. "It's a reservoir god damnit! This water has a purpose!"

Yeah, well, I'm not hearing any of that. Every great idea nowadays is always met with resistance in the form of some dick tight wad who couldn't get a pin up his ass with a jack hammer. I'm tired of dealing with people like this. Squares. I'm tired of them and their high blood pressure.

If there's anything I'm learning as I get older it's that things change. Things are constantly changing and they always change for the worse. Nothing ever changes for the better. Everything that was once good gets taken away, most times for no reason outside of a joint effort by a bunch of dicks, hell bent on taking the fun out of everything. Pretty soon you look around and realize that life isn't what it used to be. And if you allow it, "they" will just continue to create an overall shitty ass environment that the rest of us are forced to live in.

So I figure, "OK, well, if that's how it's gonna be than maybe some of you miserable pricks who vote/ decide to change things that don't need to be changed can go get your water elsewhere. Because as of right now, we're opening up Crystal Springs Reservoir to the public, we're taking reservations, and if you don't like it you can fuck off.

What do you think of that?

It's time the good people of this earth organize and bring some life back into this world that you angry limp dicks have done everything to destroy. It's time people start changing their mentality, be more resourceful and implement a little F-U-N back into the equation. You remember that? Fun?

And we are starting right here, right now. So if you don't mind, I'm about 92% sure I'm gonna totally ignore these chicken shit "No Trespassing" signs that the Nazi's put up in '65, jump this fence and go put my feet in your drinking water.

Asshole.

Read The Room.

"Do you really think a California commissioner is actually obligated to follow California laws across these United States? Really?" - Daniel Richards

Well, no, but it would be nice. It would be nice if the commissioner of the California Fish and Game had respect for an animal that has roamed this land long before your mom was wiping your ass. It would be nice to know a commissioner operated with just an ounce of integrity, understood the magnitude of his position and conducted himself accordingly. It would be nice. It's a nice fit, that's all I'm saying.

But you know what, Mr. Richards? You're right. You killed the cat in Idaho. So maybe you should take your sorry ass to Idaho and it'll be an even better fit. Because as far as I'm concerned, you should be removed of your duties as of yesterday.

It's clear to me your attitude is "Fuck You". I can see that. I saw that long before I read your open letter to the California Secretary of Natural Resources. I saw that immediately after you killed the cougar, jumped in front of a camera and proclaimed, "At least it's legal in Idaho!"

How should I read into the context of this picture, Mr. Richards? I mean, outside of "up yours"? If I didn't know any better I'd say your actions were those of an angry prick taunting his opposition. Isn't this the reaction you were looking for when you took that picture? Now you're defiant? Hey, if you were looking for trouble you came to the right place, Daniel.


"Did I try to change California's laws subversively? Did I encourage anyone to circumvent our rules and regulations?" Richards went on. "While I respect our Fish and Game rules and regulations, my 100 percent legal activity outside California, or anyone else's for that matter, is none of your business."

Well said, Daniel. Unfortunately I'm gonna have to disagree with whoever wrote that for you. In fact, I couldn't agree any less. It WAS none of my business, and then you couldn't leave well enough alone. You took it upon yourself to start snapping pictures, mocking California regulations when you could have simply read the room, understood the kind of shit storm you were walking into and went on with your "hunt".

And to that point, you can call yourself whatever you want, but in my opinion, you aren't a "hunter" Mr. Richards. You're a wannabe. You don't have the slightest idea what constitutes hunting because you've never done it before. Guys like you don't have the balls to hunt. In fact, because of cowards like you, there's far less real hunters left in this world. The cougar you killed was a hunter. And you destroyed him. And now you're talking about having "respect"?

You aren't a hunter, Daniel. You're just the guy hiding in the bushes smelling like deer piss with a blood alcohol level of 0.29 and a rifle in his hand because you don't have the balls to hunt your prey the same way that cougar hunted his. Because that animal would tear a hole in your ass.

You're an idiot. Get him out of here.

"And so we're perfectly clear, this hunt was not a high-fence hunt, we didn't use (four) wheel drive trucks, snow machines or ATVs to chase the cat, I did not use a high-powered rifle with a scope at 300 yards and we DID dine on mountain lion for dinner, all contrary to some erroneous reports," Richards wrote.

Well let me make myself perfectly clear, dick head. I really don't care how you went about "Operation Chicken Shit". High fence (whatever the fuck that means), I don't care what kind of truck you drove, how big the tires were or what gun you used. I'm not interested. What's relevant to me, Mr. Richards, is your claim that you dined on mountain lion. Let me ask you something. What kind of a fucking neanderthal eats mountain lion? And which one of your buddies took the picture, Daniel? "Ug" or "Zog"?

"Under your standards, all Californians who enjoy gaming in Nevada are somehow ethically challenged as true Californians and should be removed from any official position. My guess is the Legislative chambers might look a little barren should that logic prevail."

Oh that's great. This is just great. Nice stretch, Daniel. You're gonna compare sticking a quarter in a slot machine and betting on the San Francisco 49ers to the killing on an innocent animal? See now I know you're an idiot. And as a Californian who has lived in this state for 38 years, I don't think you are qualified to be doing anything outside of flipping hamburgers at a fast food restaurant.

Lin-gering Ignorance

Probably not in my lifetime, but I gotta believe there will come a time when the world exists entirely of people who simply won't care what color you are. I gotta believe the doctor, Dr. Martin Luther the King, laid the foundation when he so eloquently pointed out that one day people will not be judged by the color of their skin but rather the content of their character.

Apparently we still have a long way to go:



Meet Jeremy Lin. And yes. He's Asian. Obviously.

And in my opinion, having to point that out to anyone outside of Stevie Wonder is a direct insult to EVERYONE'S intelligence. Unless of course you are mentally retarded.

The significance of Jeremy Lin being Asian means absolutely nothing. He's a very good player. If he keeps playing at this rate one day he'll become a great player. There's your story. Where did he come from? How come 2 teams cut him? Who within the New York Knicks organization saw his potential? Was it luck? And in games when Jeremy Lin drills a 3 pointer at the buzzer and the Knicks win, or lose due in part to his 9 turnovers, if you still can't look past the color of his skin, in my opinion you aren't qualified.

You're an idiot.

Go work in an auto body shop.

The "hype" surrounding Jeremy Lin is absolutely no different than any hype that has surrounded any rookie, in any sport who ever showed up and played well. Chris Sabo. 1988 Cincinnati Reds rookie sensation. Wins the rookie of the year award. Kids throwing elbows at each other at "Bob's Sports Cards" trying to land his 1988 Topps rookie card.

Is he "the next...".


Pointing out that Jeremy Lin is Asian is the equivalent of pointing out that Chris Sabo wore goggles. Do I give a fuck? No. Can we keep these headlines performance based? Is that too much to ask?

As for this ESPN headline. I think it's important that our society as a whole makes an example out of idiots who intentionally disrespect others in this fashion. It's just unprofessional. I mean, I'm not even going to entertain that the editor who published "A Chink In The Armor" didn't know what he was doing.

And everyone involved should be unemployed. All of them. Like, yesterday. Job openings at ESPN. I guess this is the best they have to offer in 2012. Andy Roddick is a white mens tennis player. Can we expect headlines like "Andy Little Rod-dick" because he lost a tennis match yesterday? Just curious. I didn't know the suits at ESPN were operating with the mentality of a 12 year old. I guess I just expected a little more professionalism in this line of work.

That's all.

I Like Turtles

I like turtles. I don't know what it is about them, but I like them. A lot!

So lets go there, shall we? Back in the mid 80's my parents went out on a limb and bought the kids some pet turtles. And I'm gonna be honest, I was more fond of these turtles than any dog I've ever had. I think it's fair to say dogs are probably the most popular pet in any given household, cats probably rank a close second, followed by hamsters, birds, gold fish, etc. But for me, these turtles were the shit. And it was nice because nobody asked for pet turtles, my mom and dad just went out one day and brought home turtles. It doesn't get any better than that.

But it does get a lot worse.

I'd like to say exactly why turtles make a great pet. Unfortunately I wouldn't know as our new turtles wouldn't make it 24 hours in one piece.

Allow me to issue some sound advice. If you're gonna go the turtle route, and really captivate a child's imagination with this prehistoric, slow moving creature. Make sure you buy the necessary equipment to insure the safety of your new pet. In other words, don't buy a fuckin' kiddie pool, fill it with dirt and rocks and stick it out in the back yard.

We bought our turtles at 2pm on a Saturday, my parents decided against the indoor turtle tank because keeping them outside would be much easier. Well, I was the first one out the door at 8am on Sunday morning, fuckin' Cambodia. Paraplegic turtles, no arms, no legs, apparently turtles are a delicacy to the average raccoon. They were alive and breathing, but in critical condition.

Eventually they would die. All of them.

Fuck.

Keep Your Dick Dog Away From Me

I'm not sure if there's any animal I hate more, well, actually I am sure. There is no animal I hate more than the German Shepherd. Bar none. In my opinion, the biggest prick fuck in the animal kingdom.

The miserable relationship I have with this dog started when I was 2 years old and my grandfather's shepherd, "Zeke", decided to take it upon himself and tear the left side of my face off for no reason what so ever. Pearl Harbor.

And as usual with any dog attack, most dog owners will start manufacturing excuses and trying to justify why their dog just crossed the line. Usually it sounds something like, "Well, if you weren't standing so close to Zeke's face..." or "You know, you shouldn't have reached for Zeke's toy..." or "Zeke was just being protective of his environment..." or, "Zeke didn't have a..."

You know what, dog owners?

Why don't you take your weak, irrelevant excuses and shove them right up Zeke's hairy ass. Let me help you out. If your dog bites a 2 year old kid in the face FOR ANY REASON, stop with your delusional fairy tales where you pretend to know why it happened. I'll tell you why your dog bit the kid in the face, because your dog is an asshole. That's why. Next question...

So throughout the years the German Shepherd has never really stopped attacking me, and if you're keeping score at home, 36 years after the first punk cheap shot, 6 others have followed suite. 7 times. 7 times this one breed of dog has nailed me. Most recently was about a year ago at work. Lunch break, I'm out in the street behind the shop draining 15 foot jumpers like I'm Jimmy Chitwood pondering a return to Hickory.



Shop shepherd across the street comes walking over and once again, for no reason what so ever this prick springs up and nails me on the forearm.

Owner comes out, apologizes, I'm looking at the blood running down my arm and when I explain my history with this one breed of wild animal he recites the same company line that every other delusional dog owner tells me.

"He probably sensed your fear."

Yeah, well, my bad. I'm guessing when a 2 year old kid gets drilled right in the face that might leave some mental scar tissue. I dunno. Just a hunch. But never mind me, lets talk about your dick dog.

Anyway, after the latest incident I made a promise to myself. I basically drew a line in the sand and said enough is enough. "Don't bite the hand that feeds you" is the war cry and I vowed to take apart the next German Shepherd that strikes without cause. In other words, the next one, whether it's male or female, big or small, canine unit or guide dog for the blind...

The next one that bites me gets killed on sight. I'm breaking his neck and throwing him in the dumpster.

Jesus Christ, Just Pull The Plug

I'm a firm believer that in life, we all have struggles. Granted, some of us are put in worse situations than others but we're all bound and determined to face different forms of adversity. The loss of loved ones, you get fired from your job, your girlfriend left you, now you're a drug addict facing jail time. That's life. Who knows when or where these curve balls will come from but they'll come, eventually.

Nobody is getting out of this shit hole totally unscathed.

When faced with these different forms adversity, chances are some wise ass know-it-all (the guy who has it all figured out) will offer up some sound advice like, "Hey man, when you get knocked down you gotta pick yourself back up again, bro."

That's good advice. I'll buy that. We are a resilient group, us humans. Sometimes I don't think we give ourselves enough credit. "You'll get through it. Hang in there. Keep your head up." Or as my mom likes to say, "This too shall pass."

However, when it comes to this:

Pull the god damn plug. Seriously. I don't think there's any hope left. I'm not exactly sure how it gets to this point, the all time low, the point where scribbling shit all over your face is comprehensible, but while you're at it, you might as well write the words "Game Over" somewhere in there because as far as I'm concerned, this is the equivalent of waiving the white towel. The sad thing about a guy like this is that underneath it all, this dude was probably a halfway decent looking guy.

And then all hell broke loose.



Hey look, when you start walking around town with "FUCK YOU" tattooed across your forehead, like my mans right here, you're gonna have a hard time convincing me you've got any long term goals that you plan on getting accomplished. I mean how do you sit across from this guy at the Thanksgiving dinner table? How do you even address him?

"Jeez, Uncle Gary's mashed potatoes were off the hook!"

"Yeah they were. Gary is one hell of a cook. Did you taste his homemade gravy?"

"Did we meet Gary last year? Is he related to Mark and Deb?"

"No, Mark and Deb are just old friends from high school. Gary is the one with FUCK YOU tattooed across his forehead."



Jesus Harold Christ. You know what? I'm not even gonna blame this poor son of a bitch for this one. That's not his fault. I blame the tattoo artist because I gotta be honest, if I'm a tattoo artist and some guy walks in one day and is like, "Yo, it's like this son, I'm looking to get a fat checkerboard tattooed across my face..."

I'm not doing it.

Not on my watch.

If you want to look like an asshole with a checkerboard tattooed across your face, that's fine. But I'm not having any part of it. I mean look at this fuckin' guy.

Pull the plug.

I Am Not A Role Model

As I sat and watched the "Three Stooges Convention" on Capitol Hill, I couldn't help but notice that somebody was missing. No, it wasn't Barry Bonds. It wasn't Larry, Curly, or Moe either. I was looking for Charles Barkley. Not because I think Sir Charles is a steroid user, but who better to stand in front of Congress and proclaim, "I am not a role model." Yes, we've been down this road before.

Every time somebody like myself says "athletes should not be role models" ultimately somebody will respond with, "Yeah but they are." Fair enough. Yet if that’s the case, we need to identify the differences between being a role model and idolization. It's one thing to wear a Barry Bonds jersey or hang a poster on your wall because he's a great player. However, when your child starts making crucial life decisions relative to anything Barry Bonds does, in my opinion you've lost touch with reality.

Professional athletes like Bonds, Kobe Bryant, LeBron James, Tiger Woods etc. These guys have been catered to their entire lives, it's a totally different lifestyle, a different world altogether. The choices they make are based on a false sense of reality. Is it reasonable to say that this is the type of person your child should be modeling himself after?

Lets be honest. Professional athletes get paid to perform, to entertain, period. To expect anything more of them is your own damn fault. I find it absolutely disgusting that a parent would stand before Congress and point the finger at Barry Bonds, or Mark McGwire, because their child killed himself after abusing steroids.

In fact, I'll take it a step further, I think any parent who does put tragedy like that on the shoulders of a professional athlete owes that athlete an apology.

Since when did a professional athletes become a guidance counselor? I mean, our media makes a habit out of highlighting the antics of a player like Michael Vick yet we still choose to make them our heroes?!?! Read the room. It's amazing that we expect Barry Bonds to be a role model when for years the media has declared war on his character.

Bonds is arrogant, Bonds is a jerk, Bonds has his own reclining chair and doesn't talk to his teammates. And now this, Bonds is cheating and using illegal drugs.

"Nahhh, really?!?!"



The media drags this guys' name through the sewer, yet when the "bad guy" screws up, he's now responsible for some kid who died because that kids mother and father failed as parents?

I find myself asking this often but I'll ask it again, at what point does common sense come into play? Am I to believe we are now living in a society that says it's OK to pawn your kids off on Randy Moss when parenting gets a little too complicated? It's Jose Canseco's fault because you as an adult don't know how to communicate with your own child?


The sports world has always been filled with players who demonstrated a total lack of character but we just ignore it. How many adults idolized Mickey Mantle when they were a kid? Was he a good role model? Should every parent who lost a father to alcoholism stand before Congress and blame Mickey Mantle? What about Babe Ruth? Can you honestly tell me Ruth was a good role model considering the choices he made off the field?

The list goes on and on.

Don't even get me started on Kobe Bryant.

Kobe is a perfect example of why athletes should never be role models! This guy played Texas Hold 'Em with the entire world, went "all in" on the river and everybody folded.

I can hear Kobe's fan club now, "He was acquitted JR! Kobe didn't do anything." Yeah, because cheating on your beautiful wife makes for a great role model, doesn't it? You see that’s the thing, we are always making excuses for these guys even when somebody gets killed! Which might explain the kid at "ARCO Arena" over the weekend wearing a #32 O.J. Simpson throwback jersey. Now there's a role model, right? If the glove doesn't fit...



On November 19th, 2004, we witnessed an event that emphasized the growing animosity between players and fans. It was a game between the Indiana Pacers and Detroit Pistons but it will forever be remembered as, "When Role Models Attack."

It was the end of the 4th period when Ron Artest flagrantly fouled Ben Wallace and a fight broke out. A fight much like the typical NBA fight. A lot of pushing and shoving, players exchanging words, millionaires holding each other back.

Just when things were cooling down, some drunk yo yo in the crowd decides he's going to grenade a plastic cup of ice towards Ron Artest.

Now granted, this moron probably didn't really mean to nail Artest, it was a fluke shot. He was probably thinking something like, "Hey guys, watch this cool move...."

Needless to say his ice bomb drilled Artest right in the head and it was on! Wrong guy. Ron Artest is probably the last guy in sports you want to hit in the face with a cup of anything. It was the equivalent of closing your eyes, firing a hard boiled egg into a room full of boxers and drilling Mike Tyson in the face. You hear me? Well, probably not considering your ear just got bitten off.

Next thing you know Ron Artest is bolting into the crowd and everybody knows what happened next. Lawsuits, suspensions, fines, fat Detroit Piston fans running on the court thinking they are Tommy Hearns.




Like it or not, this is all on the fans. We created this monster and now we are looking for someone to blame. "Damn it! I paid 45 dollars for a ticket, 8 dollars for a hot dog and 10 bucks for a rubber chicken. You owe me Barry Bonds!""

It's funny how we always want these athletes to be accountable for their actions but we as fans are never accountable for our own. We created this. If you want somebody to blame don't point the finger at Bonds or Jason Giambi, point the finger at Major League Baseball, the NBA, the NFL. These are the organizations handing out ridiculous multi million dollar contracts to young men before they ever step foot on the field, before they've matured. You don't think that impacts the athletes' perception of reality? So why are we surprised when Allen Iverson doesn't understand why he should show up for practice? "Practice?! We talkin' bout practice?!"

Yeah Allen, that’s exactly what we are talking about, practice.

That usually comes along with responsibility. Why are we surprised when Ricky Williams walks out on his teammates because he's decided his role models are Cheech and Chong? Why are we surprised when Tracy McGrady says it's hard to give 110% all the time? Hey, at least he's being honest. I wouldn't have proper perspective either when the NBA has already hooked up the brand new, pimped out, 2005 Cadillac Escalade on 28 inch rims.

110 percent? No way, not with Vanessa, Candy Lips, and Tatianna waiting for me at home. Shit, I just built a 12 million dollar recording studio in my pool room, you want me to practice? Man I got a rap album to record, 45 pit bulls to feed and hoes in different area codes.

Times have changed. NBA players are now 18-19 years old with huge contracts and no education what so ever. We're talking about 6'10 high school kids being scouted by the pro's because spending 4 years in college is way too risky. Would you risk tearing your ACL when millions of dollars are waiting for you on the table? I wouldn't.

Former Portland Trailblazer Sebastian Telfair signs a 14 million dollar deal with Adidas, a kid straight out of high school. That’s not reality, that’s not a role model, that’s the next episode of MTV Cribs!

Some of these kids are coming straight out of the ghetto with a posse 25 deep following close behind. When you start dumping millions of dollars into the laps of uneducated young adults, kids who have been poor their entire lives, how can you honestly believe or even expect them to be good role models?

Yes, players have to take responsibility for their actions but we are the ones who let our children idolize them. We are the ones who pay for season tickets. We are the ones shoving 8 dollar "Dodger Dogs" down our holes in the quest to be entertained. We made that choice. Last time I checked nobody was banging down Bill Gates' door expecting him to baby sit your kids because you just purchased Microsoft Windows. Keep it real. Professional athletes don't owe the fans a damn thing other than hard work and entertainment value.

Oh, but Barry Bonds "cheated" and we demand an admission of guilt. It's time people start putting things in proper perspective. If you really believe steroids is a huge problem in baseball then why not go to the source of the problem? Barry Bonds took steroids because they made him better. The better he is the more we pay to watch him. How is that any different than Edward Norton doing steroids to play the part of a skin head in the movie American History X?

This is the entertainment business.

I also love how Congress gets involved when it's baseball. Never mind that the NBA is loaded with blunt smoking gang bangers, we have bigger fish to fry. The integrity of " America's Past Time" is in question. How patriotic. Something tells me this whole steroid scandal might have had something to do with janitor Bush on his quest to clean up America and steer your attention away from "Operation Mannipulate The American People."

Now if you don’t mind, I'm going to go purchase my San Quentin prisoner #28967 Charles Manson throw back jersey and continue to hunt for Steve Bartman.

JR

Jim Berkland: Noted Fearmonger

Only a few days after the recent earthquake in Japan, some guy named Jim Berkland shows up on "Fox News" warning me about a major catastrophic earthquake bound and determined to hit Northern California between March 20th- 26th, 2011.

In an article that was published on October 13th, 1989, apparently this Berkman character claims to have accurately predicted the October 17th, 1989 "World Series Quake". Now, I've never heard of Jim Berkland which raises the question, why does it seem like it takes these geniuses 20-30 years to establish credibility? In other words, how come on October 18th, 1989, there was no extensive coverage on the dude who, only 4 days prior, stood at the plate like Babe Ruth and called his shot?

We only hear about these legendary predictions years after the fact. "World Series Quake?" I was a freshman in high school when the Loma Prieta earthquake happened. I don't ever remember anyone glossing it, "The World Series Quake" until now. Nor have I ever heard of Jim Berkland's prediction until only a few days ago...

And how ironic that Berkland shows up on Fox News. The 24 hour news channel desperate to convince the American public that the sky is falling.

I'm not buying it, Berkland. I'm not buying you, I'm not buying your bullshit predictions, nor am I buying a 50,000 square foot underground bunker in Nebraska.

Watch this video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xQXDt4VdS0E

At approximately 1:52 seconds, press pause and you'll see that Berkland has evidence of his 1989 "World Series Quake" prediction. Evidence in the form of a photo copied newspaper article. Now, if I'm Jim Berkland, the great 1989 earthquake predictor, I'm gonna make sure that immediately after the 1989 earthquake strikes, I have an authentic copy of my prediction.

Just like if I set the all time scoring record for a single game at Burlingame High School in 1992, I'm gonna have an actual copy of the paper that acknowledges my historic achievement. I dunno, it's kind of a big deal.

Not Berkland.

He shows up on Fox News 22 years later, immediately after a catastrophic event with some photo copied bullshit print out that I'm supposed to believe validates his historic claim. I get up in the morning and pour my first cup of coffee at about 3 am. You're gonna have to get up a little earlier than that, Berkland.

Matter of fact, I have a prediction myself. I predict that if you turned on the TV set right now, you'd find yourself living in an era where news media outlets like Fox News are not only participants, but sponsors in the modern day fear campaign.

Mouth pieces like Rush Limbaugh, Bill 'O Reilly, and Michael Savage.

Michael Savage who wants you to believe he's a credible source but invites guys like Berkland on his radio show and takes him seriously. Yeah, OK, I see you working Savage. The guy who calls your show and claims 9/11 was "an inside job" is a weed smoking dope dealer who hangs out with Charlie Sheen but you're standing behind some 109 year old blue hair claiming he predicted the 1989 earthquake?

Give me a break.

Earthquake Preparedness

I'm a firm believer that after every single catastrophic event, there's lessons to be learned as well as precautions to take. For example, just yesterday a portion of Japan was devastated by a magnitude 8.9 earthquake and a tsunami that followed. Now if you live in Jump Dick North Dakota maybe the threat of a major earthquake doesn't keep you awake at night, but if you live in California, it's not a matter of "if" as much as it is when.

Lets be honest, if you've been keeping score over the past, I dunno, 10 years, you simply can't deny that there's been an increasing number of earthquakes popping off all over the world. Big quakes. Quakes that aren't fucking around. Haiti, Chile, New Zealand, Japan. Who is next, Los Angeles? San Francisco? Portland? Seattle?

There's also an increasing amount of volcanic action going on.

Now I don't know how many geological "experts" will tell you this, and certainly I'm not one of them, but remember what I tell you slap nuts because I know my shit. Anytime you see a volcano erupt somewhere on earth, you can bet your ass a big earthquake is soon to follow. It's like thunder and lighting.

Now I'm not here to stir up fear, or climb up on a pedestal and scream "THE END IS NEAR!!!" all I'm saying is that if you live in California, you would be dumber than a bag of hammers to sit around with your thumb up your butt hole and practice the "It won't happen to me" mentality.

It is going to happen. So take precaution.

The first thing you should do is draw up an earthquake escape route. Think about it. When an earthquake strikes, most people freeze up in fear and start looking at the walls and ceilings, waiting for shit to drop. If you have small kids in the house, you simply don't have time to freeze up and pretend it's a god damn 4th of July fireworks show. You need to act fast!

The second the earth starts quaking you need to get off your ass and execute the plan of attack. Collar those kids and get to a safe place. You should have no problems sizing up your turf and finding a safe zone in your house. It's your call.

Secondly, and most importantly, people should start thinking about tying down all large pieces of furniture in their house and they should start thinking about doing that yesterday. Earthquakes don't kill people, falling entertainment systems and pianos kill people.

There's no better time than now as OSH (Orchard Supply Hardware) is having a "We'll Pick Up The Sales Tax" event this weekend, so get in there and get what you need to get to tie some of that shit down.

God bless you all.

Animal Planet

Oh, what the hell. We'll just keep doing what we always do, right? Pay our respects to the family, talk about what a monster this guy is, and then in a couple of days we'll all move on with our lives and it'll be business as usual. Until it happens again. And it will.

It always does.

I'm probably in the minority on this one, in fact, I know I'm in the minority but, anytime we want to start tweaking the system a little bit in order to prevent stuff like this from happening again, I'm all in. Any time. I say we start yesterday.

I know we like to hide behind religion, and show people mercy, and talk about compassion, the meaning of "God", etc. All that sounds great, but it only sounds great until they pull YOUR kid out of a canal. Until it's your kid they stuff in a suitcase. Then what?

You still want to hold hands and light candles? Attend Sunday mass and hum a few songs about peace, pretend we're all riding "It's A Small World" at Disneyland...

Because I gotta be honest. I'd rather feed people to the alligators and broadcast it on live television.

"Well, how does that make you any better?"

Well, because for starters, I'm offering up solutions to problems, that's what makes me better. I'm not sitting around waiting for the next kid to die. Somebody just drove a 4 year old little boy named Juliani Cardenas into a canal, no less than a year after someone stuffed little Sandra Cantu in a suitcase and dumped her in a drainage ditch. Yeah I know ALL the names. I don't forget them. Kevin Collins is still missing and Mark Klaas hasn't gotten any justice in the death of his daughter Polly.

You see the pattern here?

I'm not exactly sure what people are waiting for. If we're gonna sit in a room and stare at each other, waiting for one of these little kids to stand up and offer up a suggestion on how to protect themselves, that's not gonna happen. As an adult, as a parent, it's our responsibility to protect these children, by any means necessary. And WE just failed. Again.

There's a problem. When we encounter problems in life, aren't we supposed to look for solutions? This is getting ridiculous.

Unfortunately, the vast majority of our self serving little world would much rather put emphasis on what makes them feel better about themselves, things like peace, love, compassion, and "understanding". Yeah, sure, that makes you feel better about yourself but what about the victims? What about the mother of this child? What about the grandmother? What about the sexually abused child who has to live with the pain?

I'm glad you think you're a better person for preaching peace, God, and love but I'm not interested in your little pipe dreams. I'm interested in feeding the animals.

We tried "peace", we protect these child abusers/ molesters in jail, we slap them on the wrist and promote their existence in society through websites like "Megan's Law," then wonder why parents won't let their kids outside anymore. We allow them in and out of our criminal justice system as if they were found guilty of spilling paint on the rug.

Trying to get me to understand what drives someone to kill a 4 year old child is a total waste of my time.

Peace doesn't work. The polar bears are starving.

Speaking of bears, maybe we can learn something here. If you were to encounter a grizzly bear and her cub while hiking the beautiful trails of Alaska, it doesn't matter if you intended to harm the cub or not, she will annihilate you. I've seen grizzly bears kill people in 8 seconds flat. So then, why do we accept a grizzly bear protecting her cub by any means necessary but we can't protect our own damn children?

Because we are more civilized?

Are we? Are we really? Are we really more civilized? A grown ass man just drove a 4 year old little boy into a canal. Don't talk to me about being civilized. I'm not interested.