Keep Your Dick Dog Away From Me

I'm not sure if there's any animal I hate more, well, actually I am sure. There is no animal I hate more than the German Shepherd. Bar none. In my opinion, the biggest prick fuck in the animal kingdom.

The miserable relationship I have with this dog started when I was 2 years old and my grandfather's shepherd, "Zeke", decided to take it upon himself and tear the left side of my face off for no reason what so ever. Pearl Harbor.

And as usual with any dog attack, most dog owners will start manufacturing excuses and trying to justify why their dog just crossed the line. Usually it sounds something like, "Well, if you weren't standing so close to Zeke's face..." or "You know, you shouldn't have reached for Zeke's toy..." or "Zeke was just being protective of his environment..." or, "Zeke didn't have a..."

You know what, dog owners?

Why don't you take your weak, irrelevant excuses and shove them right up Zeke's hairy ass. Let me help you out. If your dog bites a 2 year old kid in the face FOR ANY REASON, stop with your delusional fairy tales where you pretend to know why it happened. I'll tell you why your dog bit the kid in the face, because your dog is an asshole. That's why. Next question...

So throughout the years the German Shepherd has never really stopped attacking me, and if you're keeping score at home, 36 years after the first punk cheap shot, 6 others have followed suite. 7 times. 7 times this one breed of dog has nailed me. Most recently was about a year ago at work. Lunch break, I'm out in the street behind the shop draining 15 foot jumpers like I'm Jimmy Chitwood pondering a return to Hickory.



Shop shepherd across the street comes walking over and once again, for no reason what so ever this prick springs up and nails me on the forearm.

Owner comes out, apologizes, I'm looking at the blood running down my arm and when I explain my history with this one breed of wild animal he recites the same company line that every other delusional dog owner tells me.

"He probably sensed your fear."

Yeah, well, my bad. I'm guessing when a 2 year old kid gets drilled right in the face that might leave some mental scar tissue. I dunno. Just a hunch. But never mind me, lets talk about your dick dog.

Anyway, after the latest incident I made a promise to myself. I basically drew a line in the sand and said enough is enough. "Don't bite the hand that feeds you" is the war cry and I vowed to take apart the next German Shepherd that strikes without cause. In other words, the next one, whether it's male or female, big or small, canine unit or guide dog for the blind...

The next one that bites me gets killed on sight. I'm breaking his neck and throwing him in the dumpster.