SOUSA: An American Hero

I don't think you really know unless "The San Francisco Zoo" puts you in that situation (because they are a bunch of incompetent idiots) but sitting here right now, if you asked me, I don't think I would do it.

Mountain lion? Ok. Black bear? I might give it a shot. Siberian tiger? Not a fuckin' chance.

You could put me and 4 of my closest friends in that exact same situation and when the tiger comes over the enclosure, (the illegal enclosure that was in clear violation of safety standards) I'm running. And if my adrenaline rush gives me a step on my slow, uncoordinated buddy who eats too many cheeseburgers, to where at one point I'm running a fuckin' 4.2 40, the cries of my friend as he's being mauled to death by a Siberian tiger will forever be remembered in my head, but never would I feel any sense of guilt for not going back to help him.

Fuck him, survival of the fittest.

"Some friend you are."

Exactly my point. I wouldn't do it. But Carlos Sousa did.

Carlos Sousa heard the cries of his friend and went back to square off against "Tatianna The Tiger", an animal that he had absolutely no chance against. It was a guaranteed death sentence.

Unfortunately, that story never got told. Nobody ever wanted to address that angle. Instead, the heroic actions of Carlos Sousa were over shadowed by a carefully crafted, bullshit agenda. A "save your own ass"approach by the San Francisco Zoo in which Sousa and his friends "got what they deserved" after reports surfaced that they may have been "taunting" the tiger.

Personally, I don't give a shit what anyone said or did that may have hurt Tatianna's feelings, any young man who makes the choice to go toe to toe with a Siberian tiger and risk his own life to save his friend is hero in my book. That's some Tarzan shit right there.

Take Back Crystal Springs Reservoir

Here's a pretty good look at Crystal Springs Reservoir up off I-280. I took this picture myself while hiking along "Sawyer Camp Trail" in search of the bald eagle. And since I took this picture I feel it's only necessary that I say what I think about it.

So here goes.

If it was up to me, this would all be open to the public. In fact, I say we make that happen. Camping, campfires, roasting marshmallows, fishing, houseboats, paddle boats, jet ski's, sex in the bushes. All that. One big recreational area...

Marco Polo.

Now I understand that some of you anal red asses from the suburbs aren't gonna sign off on this. "It's a reservoir god damnit! This water has a purpose!"

Yeah, well, I'm not hearing any of that. Every great idea nowadays is always met with resistance in the form of some dick tight wad who couldn't get a pin up his ass with a jack hammer. I'm tired of dealing with people like this. Squares. I'm tired of them and their high blood pressure.

If there's anything I'm learning as I get older it's that things change. Things are constantly changing and they always change for the worse. Nothing ever changes for the better. Everything that was once good gets taken away, most times for no reason outside of a joint effort by a bunch of dicks, hell bent on taking the fun out of everything. Pretty soon you look around and realize that life isn't what it used to be. And if you allow it, "they" will just continue to create an overall shitty ass environment that the rest of us are forced to live in.

So I figure, "OK, well, if that's how it's gonna be than maybe some of you miserable pricks who vote/ decide to change things that don't need to be changed can go get your water elsewhere. Because as of right now, we're opening up Crystal Springs Reservoir to the public, we're taking reservations, and if you don't like it you can fuck off.

What do you think of that?

It's time the good people of this earth organize and bring some life back into this world that you angry limp dicks have done everything to destroy. It's time people start changing their mentality, be more resourceful and implement a little F-U-N back into the equation. You remember that? Fun?

And we are starting right here, right now. So if you don't mind, I'm about 92% sure I'm gonna totally ignore these chicken shit "No Trespassing" signs that the Nazi's put up in '65, jump this fence and go put my feet in your drinking water.

Asshole.

Read The Room.

"Do you really think a California commissioner is actually obligated to follow California laws across these United States? Really?" - Daniel Richards

Well, no, but it would be nice. It would be nice if the commissioner of the California Fish and Game had respect for an animal that has roamed this land long before your mom was wiping your ass. It would be nice to know a commissioner operated with just an ounce of integrity, understood the magnitude of his position and conducted himself accordingly. It would be nice. It's a nice fit, that's all I'm saying.

But you know what, Mr. Richards? You're right. You killed the cat in Idaho. So maybe you should take your sorry ass to Idaho and it'll be an even better fit. Because as far as I'm concerned, you should be removed of your duties as of yesterday.

It's clear to me your attitude is "Fuck You". I can see that. I saw that long before I read your open letter to the California Secretary of Natural Resources. I saw that immediately after you killed the cougar, jumped in front of a camera and proclaimed, "At least it's legal in Idaho!"

How should I read into the context of this picture, Mr. Richards? I mean, outside of "up yours"? If I didn't know any better I'd say your actions were those of an angry prick taunting his opposition. Isn't this the reaction you were looking for when you took that picture? Now you're defiant? Hey, if you were looking for trouble you came to the right place, Daniel.


"Did I try to change California's laws subversively? Did I encourage anyone to circumvent our rules and regulations?" Richards went on. "While I respect our Fish and Game rules and regulations, my 100 percent legal activity outside California, or anyone else's for that matter, is none of your business."

Well said, Daniel. Unfortunately I'm gonna have to disagree with whoever wrote that for you. In fact, I couldn't agree any less. It WAS none of my business, and then you couldn't leave well enough alone. You took it upon yourself to start snapping pictures, mocking California regulations when you could have simply read the room, understood the kind of shit storm you were walking into and went on with your "hunt".

And to that point, you can call yourself whatever you want, but in my opinion, you aren't a "hunter" Mr. Richards. You're a wannabe. You don't have the slightest idea what constitutes hunting because you've never done it before. Guys like you don't have the balls to hunt. In fact, because of cowards like you, there's far less real hunters left in this world. The cougar you killed was a hunter. And you destroyed him. And now you're talking about having "respect"?

You aren't a hunter, Daniel. You're just the guy hiding in the bushes smelling like deer piss with a blood alcohol level of 0.29 and a rifle in his hand because you don't have the balls to hunt your prey the same way that cougar hunted his. Because that animal would tear a hole in your ass.

You're an idiot. Get him out of here.

"And so we're perfectly clear, this hunt was not a high-fence hunt, we didn't use (four) wheel drive trucks, snow machines or ATVs to chase the cat, I did not use a high-powered rifle with a scope at 300 yards and we DID dine on mountain lion for dinner, all contrary to some erroneous reports," Richards wrote.

Well let me make myself perfectly clear, dick head. I really don't care how you went about "Operation Chicken Shit". High fence (whatever the fuck that means), I don't care what kind of truck you drove, how big the tires were or what gun you used. I'm not interested. What's relevant to me, Mr. Richards, is your claim that you dined on mountain lion. Let me ask you something. What kind of a fucking neanderthal eats mountain lion? And which one of your buddies took the picture, Daniel? "Ug" or "Zog"?

"Under your standards, all Californians who enjoy gaming in Nevada are somehow ethically challenged as true Californians and should be removed from any official position. My guess is the Legislative chambers might look a little barren should that logic prevail."

Oh that's great. This is just great. Nice stretch, Daniel. You're gonna compare sticking a quarter in a slot machine and betting on the San Francisco 49ers to the killing on an innocent animal? See now I know you're an idiot. And as a Californian who has lived in this state for 38 years, I don't think you are qualified to be doing anything outside of flipping hamburgers at a fast food restaurant.

Lin-gering Ignorance

Probably not in my lifetime, but I gotta believe there will come a time when the world exists entirely of people who simply won't care what color you are. I gotta believe the doctor, Dr. Martin Luther the King, laid the foundation when he so eloquently pointed out that one day people will not be judged by the color of their skin but rather the content of their character.

Apparently we still have a long way to go:



Meet Jeremy Lin. And yes. He's Asian. Obviously.

And in my opinion, having to point that out to anyone outside of Stevie Wonder is a direct insult to EVERYONE'S intelligence. Unless of course you are mentally retarded.

The significance of Jeremy Lin being Asian means absolutely nothing. He's a very good player. If he keeps playing at this rate one day he'll become a great player. There's your story. Where did he come from? How come 2 teams cut him? Who within the New York Knicks organization saw his potential? Was it luck? And in games when Jeremy Lin drills a 3 pointer at the buzzer and the Knicks win, or lose due in part to his 9 turnovers, if you still can't look past the color of his skin, in my opinion you aren't qualified.

You're an idiot.

Go work in an auto body shop.

The "hype" surrounding Jeremy Lin is absolutely no different than any hype that has surrounded any rookie, in any sport who ever showed up and played well. Chris Sabo. 1988 Cincinnati Reds rookie sensation. Wins the rookie of the year award. Kids throwing elbows at each other at "Bob's Sports Cards" trying to land his 1988 Topps rookie card.

Is he "the next...".


Pointing out that Jeremy Lin is Asian is the equivalent of pointing out that Chris Sabo wore goggles. Do I give a fuck? No. Can we keep these headlines performance based? Is that too much to ask?

As for this ESPN headline. I think it's important that our society as a whole makes an example out of idiots who intentionally disrespect others in this fashion. It's just unprofessional. I mean, I'm not even going to entertain that the editor who published "A Chink In The Armor" didn't know what he was doing.

And everyone involved should be unemployed. All of them. Like, yesterday. Job openings at ESPN. I guess this is the best they have to offer in 2012. Andy Roddick is a white mens tennis player. Can we expect headlines like "Andy Little Rod-dick" because he lost a tennis match yesterday? Just curious. I didn't know the suits at ESPN were operating with the mentality of a 12 year old. I guess I just expected a little more professionalism in this line of work.

That's all.

I Like Turtles

I like turtles. I don't know what it is about them, but I like them. A lot!

So lets go there, shall we? Back in the mid 80's my parents went out on a limb and bought the kids some pet turtles. And I'm gonna be honest, I was more fond of these turtles than any dog I've ever had. I think it's fair to say dogs are probably the most popular pet in any given household, cats probably rank a close second, followed by hamsters, birds, gold fish, etc. But for me, these turtles were the shit. And it was nice because nobody asked for pet turtles, my mom and dad just went out one day and brought home turtles. It doesn't get any better than that.

But it does get a lot worse.

I'd like to say exactly why turtles make a great pet. Unfortunately I wouldn't know as our new turtles wouldn't make it 24 hours in one piece.

Allow me to issue some sound advice. If you're gonna go the turtle route, and really captivate a child's imagination with this prehistoric, slow moving creature. Make sure you buy the necessary equipment to insure the safety of your new pet. In other words, don't buy a fuckin' kiddie pool, fill it with dirt and rocks and stick it out in the back yard.

We bought our turtles at 2pm on a Saturday, my parents decided against the indoor turtle tank because keeping them outside would be much easier. Well, I was the first one out the door at 8am on Sunday morning, fuckin' Cambodia. Paraplegic turtles, no arms, no legs, apparently turtles are a delicacy to the average raccoon. They were alive and breathing, but in critical condition.

Eventually they would die. All of them.

Fuck.

Keep Your Dick Dog Away From Me

I'm not sure if there's any animal I hate more, well, actually I am sure. There is no animal I hate more than the German Shepherd. Bar none. In my opinion, the biggest prick fuck in the animal kingdom.

The miserable relationship I have with this dog started when I was 2 years old and my grandfather's shepherd, "Zeke", decided to take it upon himself and tear the left side of my face off for no reason what so ever. Pearl Harbor.

And as usual with any dog attack, most dog owners will start manufacturing excuses and trying to justify why their dog just crossed the line. Usually it sounds something like, "Well, if you weren't standing so close to Zeke's face..." or "You know, you shouldn't have reached for Zeke's toy..." or "Zeke was just being protective of his environment..." or, "Zeke didn't have a..."

You know what, dog owners?

Why don't you take your weak, irrelevant excuses and shove them right up Zeke's hairy ass. Let me help you out. If your dog bites a 2 year old kid in the face FOR ANY REASON, stop with your delusional fairy tales where you pretend to know why it happened. I'll tell you why your dog bit the kid in the face, because your dog is an asshole. That's why. Next question...

So throughout the years the German Shepherd has never really stopped attacking me, and if you're keeping score at home, 36 years after the first punk cheap shot, 6 others have followed suite. 7 times. 7 times this one breed of dog has nailed me. Most recently was about a year ago at work. Lunch break, I'm out in the street behind the shop draining 15 foot jumpers like I'm Jimmy Chitwood pondering a return to Hickory.



Shop shepherd across the street comes walking over and once again, for no reason what so ever this prick springs up and nails me on the forearm.

Owner comes out, apologizes, I'm looking at the blood running down my arm and when I explain my history with this one breed of wild animal he recites the same company line that every other delusional dog owner tells me.

"He probably sensed your fear."

Yeah, well, my bad. I'm guessing when a 2 year old kid gets drilled right in the face that might leave some mental scar tissue. I dunno. Just a hunch. But never mind me, lets talk about your dick dog.

Anyway, after the latest incident I made a promise to myself. I basically drew a line in the sand and said enough is enough. "Don't bite the hand that feeds you" is the war cry and I vowed to take apart the next German Shepherd that strikes without cause. In other words, the next one, whether it's male or female, big or small, canine unit or guide dog for the blind...

The next one that bites me gets killed on sight. I'm breaking his neck and throwing him in the dumpster.

Jesus Christ, Just Pull The Plug

I'm a firm believer that in life, we all have struggles. Granted, some of us are put in worse situations than others but we're all bound and determined to face different forms of adversity. The loss of loved ones, you get fired from your job, your girlfriend left you, now you're a drug addict facing jail time. That's life. Who knows when or where these curve balls will come from but they'll come, eventually.

Nobody is getting out of this shit hole totally unscathed.

When faced with these different forms adversity, chances are some wise ass know-it-all (the guy who has it all figured out) will offer up some sound advice like, "Hey man, when you get knocked down you gotta pick yourself back up again, bro."

That's good advice. I'll buy that. We are a resilient group, us humans. Sometimes I don't think we give ourselves enough credit. "You'll get through it. Hang in there. Keep your head up." Or as my mom likes to say, "This too shall pass."

However, when it comes to this:

Pull the god damn plug. Seriously. I don't think there's any hope left. I'm not exactly sure how it gets to this point, the all time low, the point where scribbling shit all over your face is comprehensible, but while you're at it, you might as well write the words "Game Over" somewhere in there because as far as I'm concerned, this is the equivalent of waiving the white towel. The sad thing about a guy like this is that underneath it all, this dude was probably a halfway decent looking guy.

And then all hell broke loose.



Hey look, when you start walking around town with "FUCK YOU" tattooed across your forehead, like my mans right here, you're gonna have a hard time convincing me you've got any long term goals that you plan on getting accomplished. I mean how do you sit across from this guy at the Thanksgiving dinner table? How do you even address him?

"Jeez, Uncle Gary's mashed potatoes were off the hook!"

"Yeah they were. Gary is one hell of a cook. Did you taste his homemade gravy?"

"Did we meet Gary last year? Is he related to Mark and Deb?"

"No, Mark and Deb are just old friends from high school. Gary is the one with FUCK YOU tattooed across his forehead."



Jesus Harold Christ. You know what? I'm not even gonna blame this poor son of a bitch for this one. That's not his fault. I blame the tattoo artist because I gotta be honest, if I'm a tattoo artist and some guy walks in one day and is like, "Yo, it's like this son, I'm looking to get a fat checkerboard tattooed across my face..."

I'm not doing it.

Not on my watch.

If you want to look like an asshole with a checkerboard tattooed across your face, that's fine. But I'm not having any part of it. I mean look at this fuckin' guy.

Pull the plug.