Black Bear...

Sometimes I’ll have a knee jerk opinion that I’ll give very little thought. For example, the time I claimed that in a fist fight with a black bear, a human being stands a fighting chance. The past few years I’ve spent openly suggesting that if attacked by a black bear in the woods, instead of “playing dead” like you are supposed to do, I might be able to “shock the world”, get inside and land a huge right hand on the buzzer. Lights out. A black bear, maybe. A grizzly, no chance.

So amongst the cries of people telling me that I was “bat shit crazy”, I still held onto this belief. Until this weekend...

It was around 1:30 pm and my girlfriend and I had just returned from our favorite thrift store in Tahoe City. "Pass It On" Thrift Store. Place is legendary. I spent maybe 17 bucks and was able to score some pretty nice garments.

As I stood in the mirror sporting my thrifty new shit, I heard my girlfriend call out what I thought sounded like, “WHERE’S MY BEER!?!? "

Where's the beer? I put it in the refrigerator, I thought. And then she said it again, however this time, I heard exactly what she said...

“THERE’S A BEAR!!!” she screamed.

And with that, I come bolting out of the bedroom, hurdle over the living room sofa like some kind of fuckin' Bruce Jenner, and I'm not talking the weird looking Bruce Jenner of "Keeping Up With The Kardashians" fame, I'm thinking like, 1984 Bruce Jenner. The Bruce Jenner with long hair and the butt huggers.

So I take one look at this monster and decided that it was true, I was indeed “bat shit crazy.” There’s no way on earth I could land anything flush, this thing was a beast. He was big but he wasn't black, he was brown, reddish brown. My "kicking a black bears ass" theory had nothing to do with these black bears, these ones don't even look like black bears, they look like grizzlies. They'll kill you for fun.

Shortly after this encounter I purchased a book called "Bear Aware" at a small market in Homewood. It was somewhat of a survival manual in case of encountering a bear in the woods. I read his little book with great interest. To think that lying on the ground and "playing dead" is the recommended procedure when a black bear rushes you totally blows my mind. You're just gonna lie down like that? Seal your fate and put it in the hands of a bear?

I couldn't do it.

"Well it beats the hell out of running."

Does it? Because I think if you're in the woods, chances are you're gonna be in the vicinity of trees. Big trees. Trees with big trunks. I'm a firm believer that in the woods, a human being can use the trunk of a tree to elude a bear the same way you could elude someone by running around a car. Bears are very intelligent creatures and will get easily frustrated once they become aware that you're playing game of keep away and using a tree trunk as a shield.

Bears goes left, you go right. Bears go right, you go left.

There's no way he can get his big ass around the radius of a tree faster than a human being can. People need to give themselves more credit. If the game is size, speed and strength, a bear beats us every day of the week, but if the game is intelligence, a bear doesn't stand a chance.