Raccoon Vs. Pitbull

All my life I've pondered what would happen if you caged a raccoon, threw him in the ring with a pit bull and had them fight to the death. No, I'm not going to start a thread about how my animal abusive uncle pulled off such a feat (because he would), but this morning at around 3am, I was fortunate enough to witness about 30 seconds worth of this dream match-up and it did not disappoint!

I'm sound asleep when suddenly I'm awakened by the intensity of a fierce street fight between 3 cats, it was pure bedlam, and everybody knows what a cat fight sounds like. The only reason this cat fight peeked my interest was because usually cat fights last about 15-20 seconds before one cat realizes he's about to get his ass whupped and runs away like a little bitch!

Not this fight. This was fuckin' "Ali/ Frazier" and after about 45 seconds of ferocity, I knew I had to get some ringside seats. These cats were absolutely getting after it!

I ran to my front room window and it was beautiful!! The street light in front of my neighbors house shined right down on the fight like I was at "Mandalay Bay." The only thing missing was a giant bong rip and a few half naked ring card girls, and beer.

So I must have been watching this "free for all" for about 45 seconds when out of nowhere, this big fuckin' raccoon rolls up "5 deep" out of an alley between my house and my neighbors' to the right.

I mean, he's got his posse in full effect.

I don't know, they may have been his bitches, all I know is I saw him out the corner of my eye and at first I thought it was fuckin' "Cujo," that's how big this 'coon was! I see raccoons all the time but this bastard was abnormally big. The intense whine of the cat fight must have attracted his attention, he was probably eating out of some back alley dumpster when he heard the commotion, turned to his hoes and was like, "You wanna see me whup some ass?"

So he rolls up with his entourage and within seconds this cat fight comes to an abrupt end.

Game over. Thanks for coming!

In the blink of an eye, two of the cats see the cavalry coming and they're like, "No need to stick around here, that's the biggest fuckin' raccoon we've ever seen, we're OUT!!"

Now the other cat, he didn't move. He must have paged the 'coons or some shit because you could tell they were boys.

So I'm watching this and my adrenaline is flaring like a pack of hemorrhoids! I love confrontation, especially between animals! Granted, I'm a little disappointed that this raccoon broke up a really entertaining cat fight but, just when I was about to climax all over myself, things got really interesting...

My neighbors to the left own a pit bull named "Davis", and by no means is Davis one of those "trained to kill" pit bulls, he's actually a sweetheart however, like most pit bulls, Davis can snap and tear a mud hole in your ass.

He's the kind of dog that is cool with humans but will not hesitate to obliterate any cat/ possum he can run down. Occasionally he'll get under the fence which doesn't bother me at all but has the neighbors terrified.

Sure enough, Davis also heard the commotion and wanted to get a live glimpse himself, he just had no idea he was about to come face to face with a 105+ pound 'coon.

The second I see Davis my butt hole puckers and I let out a "HOLY SHIT!!!"

Instantly I knew this had the potential to be AWESOME!!!

My roommate, thinking somebody was breaking into his piece of shit car, comes bolting out of his room half asleep, problem was, it's black as pitch in our house and all I heard was a thunderous collision, apparently dude ran head on into the hall way corridor, splitting his wig wide open!

He picks himself up off the floor, bleeding from a 2 inch gash on his forehead but still having no idea whats going on outside, he turns his attention to what I'm watching and absolutely flips out!! He's more pumped up than I am!

You have to understand, my roommate and I are HUGE boxing fanatics who are also the type of guys who will have heated debates over, "Who would win in a fight?"

This was right up our alley.

So the minute this gang of raccoons see Davis, four of them decide it was in their best interest to find the nearest escape route and head back to the crib.

Not the big fella.

This raccoon had balls of steel.

Davis was even lookin' at him like, "Hey Holmes, is your ass crazy or something? I'm a pit bull, son."

However, the only thing on this raccoons mind was settling a score, once and for all. He wasn't about to get "punk'd" by some goofy ass lookin' pit bull.

So Davis is sizing up the situation and this raccoon immediately goes into a defensive attack position.

"I got 20 on the pit bull," says my roommate.

"You're on," I replied.

In what seemed like a matter of seconds, a 20 dollar wager was on the table as my roommate and I were engaged in a pre-fight breakdown ala "Jim Lampley" and "Larry Merchant" from "HBO Sports".

He starts going off about Davis having "lock jaw," and once Davis establishes that advantage the fight would be over. Davis would tear him apart.

I start telling him that it's not going to matter what kind of jaw Davis has, only that Davis was about to enter a "world of pain", and that once he gets close, that raccoon is going to tear his face off.

Unfortunately, in what would amount to one of the biggest buzz kills of all time, neither one of us would be able to collect on our winnings as Davis' owner, Mrs. Shields, came running out of her house with a toilet plunger and scared the raccoon off.