Who's The Chicken Now?

For the better part of 5-6 years now I've been forced to absorb one of the most ridiculous claims I've ever heard in the history of sports. Don't get me wrong, I've heard some stupid shit before but this one takes the cake.

I'm talking about pundits like ESPN's Skip Bayless grandstanding on air about how Floyd Mayweather Jr., easily the best pure boxer of his generation and arguably the best defensive fighter of all time has tap danced around welterweight champion Manny Pacquiao because, as Skip and a host of others have put it, "Floyd is a chicken".

Just Ask JR: Elliot Rodger Lives Next Door

Dear JR,

Two years ago, a couple built a home on the lot next to ours. From the time they moved in, we have been concerned about their 11-year-old son's anti-social behavior. It began with him trying to coax our dog into his yard when we were trying to call her in. Then he started coming into our yard, playing roughly with our three small children and using vulgar language around our 8-year-old daughter.
He is no longer allowed in our yard and has been kicked out of three other homes in the neighborhood. The most recent incident occurred a few days ago, when he yelled a profanity at our daughter. I called his mother, and she told me her son would "never behave that way"!

JR, this boy is creepy. I don't trust him. He stands in his yard staring at us whenever we are outside. I'm worried his behavior will get worse. Other neighbors have seen him abuse his dog and other animals. His parents never watch him. What do we do? I'm worried about my children's safety. - Alicia in Wisconsin

Alicia,

I’m just going to be honest with you. The kid is a fuckin’ weirdo. And as is the case with most people in your situation, you’ll probably just brush it under the rug and assume the next Charles Manson isn’t living next door. Then you come home from work one day and that dog of yours is laying in the driveway with her god damn head lopped off!

Assumption is your worst enemy.

But if you’re going to assume anything, it’s best to assume the worst. It’s best to assume this kid is only days away from kicking your front door in with a loaded shot gun and laying waste to all of you.

Oh yeah, I’m serious. I’m serious as a fuckin’ heart attack. I got the chills just reading your inquiry. 11 years old? Did you hear the one the other day about the 10 year old who beat his 90 year old grandmother to death?

Demon seeds.

What should you do? Well, I mean, conventional wisdom suggests you should be proactive with this little psycho’s parents. Find out what his deal is, is he taking his medication, etc. And what they’re doing about it? Then again, the fact that this little pricks mother is in denial is the biggest red flag of them all.

Do you want the police involved? Do you want to discuss restraining orders and things like that? Seems like a big hassle and a piss poor quality of life. Hey look, it’s not your fault Alicia. It’s not your fault that you’re living next door to Elliot Rodger 2.0. Me personally, I’d get the fuck out of there. Like, yesterday! Pack your shit and get the hell out of dodge. That’s my advice. That’s what I would do. Error on the side of caution.

Or not.  Or hang around, pretend it’s nothing and end up on the front page of the Wisconsin Daily Journal.

Just Ask JR: Maiden Names

Dear JR,

I'm thinking about marrying my longtime boyfriend, but I'm hesitant because he wants me to change my last name. I want to keep my maiden name as my mother did. Most of the women I look up to in my life kept their names.

My boyfriend says my wanting to keep my name tells him I am not committed. He says he'd be really hurt if I did it. I feel that retaining my name is the ultimate in female empowerment. The tradition of women changing their last name goes back to when we were treated as property and not educated. What do you think I should do?- Sally Rogers

Dear Sally,

First off, I don't agree that dropping your maiden name and accepting his means you are being treated as "property", or that you aren't educated. At the same time, your boyfriend's belief that you aren't "committed" because you wish to keep your maiden name is equally as ridiculous.
Do what you want Sally. This is about you. It doesn't have a god damn thing to do with him or his views on traditional marriage.

If you want to keep your maiden name, hyphenate it and add his at the end, that's it. End of discussion. Besides, what's he gonna do about it, leave you? Good! Because that says a lot about the kind of dick you were planning to marry in the first place. At the end of the day, it's none of his fuckin' business. In marriage, his only business is to love you unconditionally. I mean you aren't even married yet and he's acting like a spoiled 3 year old who isn't getting his way.

If I was a woman I'd keep my last name too. It's amazing how some of us guys can't understand how a woman wants to be proud of the family she comes from. To the end.

Look, tell Fred Flinstone to back off the gas pedal and learn to accept you for the woman you are, understand and appreciate the choices you make, at the same time making sacrifices of his own for the woman he loves.

Otherwise he'll have you out in the field pickin' berries.

One more time just so we're clear.

If I'm down at the local YMCA running a little 5 on 5 full court, "Shirts Vs. Skins" and this dude walks in with his boys wearing a headband, and he's like, "Yo, we got next." I don't care if it means there's a glaring mismatch on the floor, I'm not guarding him.

I'm not letting this guy post me up in the low blocks. There's no fuckin' way.

Colin Kaepernick's Tattoos

Please stop the following:

First and foremost, please stop mentioning Alex Smith's name in the same sentence as Joe Montana. You're embarrassing Joe and you're embarrassing yourselves. The impressive stat line argument is weak at best. Consider the differences in playing calling. With certain QB's you can open up the play book and take risks down the field, Alex Smith's impressive stat lines are mostly due to "safe" 7 yard completions. Quick hits.

He rarely makes plays and poses very little threat inside the red zone. Because of Alex Smith's statistical "efficiency", the 49ers offense has become handcuffed. Stripped of big plays down the field and shots at the end zone, evidenced by David Akers numbers last season.

Please stop giving Alex Smith credit for last years 13-3 season. Yeah, he deserves some credit, but what comes first, the chicken or the egg? Jim Harbaugh used Smith to perfection. Give credit where credit is due. In other words, if you're going to make excuses as to why Smith struggled for 6 years, blame the coaching, blame the offensive line, blame the wide receivers, blame his haircut, etc. the least you can do is play it both ways.

"Most" of Smith's success comes from riding the coattails of a dominant defense. The same way Trent Dilfer rode shotgun with the Ravens and won.

And please, please stop drooling over Smith's post season performance against the Saints. It's old and it's tired. He did nothing for 3 quarters then woke up in the 4th and remembered he was a #1 overall draft pick. He went toe to toe with one of the best QB's in the league. I understand it was a vindication game, similar to Barry Zito's performance in the NLCS against St. Louis but Barry Zito followed up that performance with a gem against Detroit and the Giants won the World Series.

Smith followed up his super hero performance by struggling against the Giants in the NFC Championship game at home. Same old Alex. 1 for 13 on 3rd downs? Drive stalling while the 49ers defense draws a line in the sand, giving it everything they had against an elite NFL QB. Make a play, Alex.

Stop blaming Kyle Williams for that loss. The QB is the leader of the team. Be accountable. If Alex Smith makes one big play in the clutch, one throw, just one clutch throw...David Akers could have won that game on his leg and Kyle Williams would never have been put in that position.

So stop. Just stop. Stop baby sitting Alex Smith. Stop pretending he didn't lose his job to the likes of JT O' Sullivan, Shaun Hill and Troy Smith, only to win his job back because all 3 of those guys aren't quality QB's either. When all else fails, give the job back to the 1st round draft pick who makes the most money.

I don't care who the head coach is, QB's like Peyton Manning, Eli Manning, Aaron Rodgers, Ben Roethlisberger, Andrew Luck, Robert Griffin III....Brandon Weeden, etc. don't lose their starting job to JT O'Sullivan. It just doesn't happen.

So stop jeopardizing a championship caliber football team by suggesting that what you saw on Monday Night Football against the Bears was an aberration. "Well, (Colin) Kaepernick played against the Bears and the Bears defense isn't that good."

STOP!

You're a bunch of fuckin' excuse makers playing sentimental favorites. Granted, it took Alex Smith 7 years to understand how to play NFL football so it's understandable that you can't comprehend how a guy like Kaepernick shows up and does what he did. It's called having natural ability. Believe it or not, some QB's don't experience the same struggles Alex has. Some step right in and win Super Bowls, Tom Brady.

Keapernick understands how to play the game. He's got a better arm than Alex, he's more mobile than Alex, he's got better pocket presence than Alex, he's a better leader than Alex, his ceiling is way higher than Alex. This is a business. The bottom line is winning championships. This isn't a reality television show where you live vicariously through the players and relate to their struggle because you like who they are. This is the NFL. And when you don't play at a high level, you run the risk of someone coming along who has more ability than that lame duck QB you've grown to love over the past 8 years.

Time to move one.