JUST ASK JR: Unfriendly Food Critic

DEAR JIMMY: My wife and I have a friend, "Jonah," whom we love dearly, but he has no filter. He's college-educated, has a white-collar job and is over 50. The problem is, anytime we invite him for dinner or take food items to his house, he makes horrible remarks about my wife's cooking, particularly when it's a holiday party based on my wife's Slavic heritage.

My wife is a really good cook. No one else makes fun of these foods, many of which are common in the U.S., but Jonah makes negative comments every time. I have told him that it's rude, and so has my wife.
We would hate not inviting him to future parties with our usual crowd, but it gets me upset when he does this. My wife has actually prepared an alternative meal for him so he won't have to eat the "heritage-style" food. He even makes snide comments when I bring foods popular in other parts of the U.S.
Jimmy, do we continue inviting him or not? It is straining our friendship. -- ALEX IN NEW HAMPSHIRE

Alex,

As a well noted food critic myself, I often find myself wondering what it is about one's skills in the kitchen that makes the topic of cooking so easily offensive. You say being critical of a dish is "rude"? How so? Are you suggesting Jonah doesn't have the right as a human being to eat your wife's slop and tell the truth about it? Let me guess, you're probably one of those "if you don't have anything nice to say..." types, correct?

Well I disagree. In fact, I couldn't agree any less.

You say, "my wife is a really good cook" but, in all honesty, you don't speak for anyone other than yourself. Look, this isn't Nazi Germany. Just because you enjoy your wife's cooking doesn't mean everyone else has to. And if I come over to your house and your wife is serving up some Slavic garbage, sure, I guess I could bite my tongue and wait until I get in the car, or I can tell you straight up, right there at the dinner table.

"This is God awful. And I'm not eating it." If you're lucky it'll stop there. Look at me sideways and with every bite I may express a desire to eat seagull shit off the rocks in Half Moon Bay rather than the crap your wife is putting in front of me.

You don't like Jonah's snide commentary? Well if there's one thing I can't stand it's these fake "foodies" who will shovel shit down their throats, then sit around and blow smoke up your ass about how "amazing" everything is in fear of offending the cook. When in reality, their taste buds are sending a clear message to the brain which states, "This is the fuckin' worst!" 

Now whether or not you continue inviting Jonah to dinner is up to you, but just understand if you don't, you come off looking like the average fascist dick head who doesn't want to be in the company of anyone who doesn't think the way he does. Thicker skin, Alex. It's a tough pill to swallow, knowing that someone thinks your wife is a horrible cook, but it can't be any more difficult to swallow than swallowing your wife's halusky.

Just Ask JR: Wedding Invitations

DEAR JR,

I teach at a fairly small school. My grade-level teaching team consists of five teachers who work closely together. During the last school year, one of my team members got engaged. This year, we've had a change of staff and now have a new member on our team. My colleague has not, and does not, plan to invite this new member to her wedding, although the rest of us are invited. The save-the-dates and shower invitations have all been hand-delivered at school, making it awkward for the girl who has not been invited.

I feel it wasn't appropriate to include all but one of the team simply because she is new to the group. Am I correct in feeling that my colleague did not handle this appropriately? -- Sarah L.

Sarah,

First off let me start by saying I think all weddings are overrated and a colossal waste of time. Therefore, I'm gonna put myself in "new colleague's shoes" and pretend I was the one who didn't get invited.

My reaction?

"Who gives a fuck." Because well, I didn't want to go anyway.

Quite frankly, I don't care who is getting married. 10 out of 10 times I don't want be there. In fact, I'm gonna get up on my soap box right now and use this as a platform to remind anyone reading this, if you're about to get married and have intentions on sending me an invite, please don't. Save it for someone who actually wants to be there. Sending me an invite only means I have to manufacture some horseshit excuse as to why I can't go and, "because I don't want to" isn't socially acceptable.

I hate weddings, there's no doubt I'm gonna hate your wedding, and honestly I really don't give a shit who found love. Odds are the love you found is just one big giant charade anyway. A "look at us" convention where nobody in the god damn room would know the true definition of love if it bit them in the ass. In fact, I'll go out on a limb and say the only reason this circle jerk even takes place is because, like the majority of marriages, "it was time".

That's not love. No, no it isn't. Because someone's biological clock is ticking and desperation is setting in does not mean it's love. It means it's a failed marriage waiting to happen. Better that I don't go because when the divorce papers get delivered I'll be disappointed that I attended your little shit show in the first place.

So now that we got that out of the way, I'm with you 100%.

Look, the person getting married is either a penny pinching cheap fuck or purposely snubbing her colleague on some work place power trip. It's a bitch move and the person doing it is probably gonna hide behind the excuse, "Well, I don't even know her very well. Why should I feel obligated to invite her?" She's obviously managing wedding invites like she's still in her college sorority. I mean how hard would it be to fire the new girl an invitation? Just pull up a chair.

Not hard at all. Hell, if I worked there I'd give her mine.

Who's The Chicken Now?

For the better part of 5-6 years now I've been forced to absorb one of the most ridiculous claims I've ever heard in the history of sports. Don't get me wrong, I've heard some stupid shit before but this one takes the cake.

I'm talking about pundits like ESPN's Skip Bayless grandstanding on air about how Floyd Mayweather Jr., easily the best pure boxer of his generation and arguably the best defensive fighter of all time has tap danced around welterweight champion Manny Pacquiao because, as Skip and a host of others have put it, "Floyd is a chicken".

Just Ask JR: Elliot Rodger Lives Next Door

Dear JR,

Two years ago, a couple built a home on the lot next to ours. From the time they moved in, we have been concerned about their 11-year-old son's anti-social behavior. It began with him trying to coax our dog into his yard when we were trying to call her in. Then he started coming into our yard, playing roughly with our three small children and using vulgar language around our 8-year-old daughter.
He is no longer allowed in our yard and has been kicked out of three other homes in the neighborhood. The most recent incident occurred a few days ago, when he yelled a profanity at our daughter. I called his mother, and she told me her son would "never behave that way"!

JR, this boy is creepy. I don't trust him. He stands in his yard staring at us whenever we are outside. I'm worried his behavior will get worse. Other neighbors have seen him abuse his dog and other animals. His parents never watch him. What do we do? I'm worried about my children's safety. - Alicia in Wisconsin

Alicia,

I’m just going to be honest with you. The kid is a fuckin’ weirdo. And as is the case with most people in your situation, you’ll probably just brush it under the rug and assume the next Charles Manson isn’t living next door. Then you come home from work one day and that dog of yours is laying in the driveway with her god damn head lopped off!

Assumption is your worst enemy.

But if you’re going to assume anything, it’s best to assume the worst. It’s best to assume this kid is only days away from kicking your front door in with a loaded shot gun and laying waste to all of you.

Oh yeah, I’m serious. I’m serious as a fuckin’ heart attack. I got the chills just reading your inquiry. 11 years old? Did you hear the one the other day about the 10 year old who beat his 90 year old grandmother to death?

Demon seeds.

What should you do? Well, I mean, conventional wisdom suggests you should be proactive with this little psycho’s parents. Find out what his deal is, is he taking his medication, etc. And what they’re doing about it? Then again, the fact that this little pricks mother is in denial is the biggest red flag of them all.

Do you want the police involved? Do you want to discuss restraining orders and things like that? Seems like a big hassle and a piss poor quality of life. Hey look, it’s not your fault Alicia. It’s not your fault that you’re living next door to Elliot Rodger 2.0. Me personally, I’d get the fuck out of there. Like, yesterday! Pack your shit and get the hell out of dodge. That’s my advice. That’s what I would do. Error on the side of caution.

Or not.  Or hang around, pretend it’s nothing and end up on the front page of the Wisconsin Daily Journal.

Just Ask JR: Maiden Names

Dear JR,

I'm thinking about marrying my longtime boyfriend, but I'm hesitant because he wants me to change my last name. I want to keep my maiden name as my mother did. Most of the women I look up to in my life kept their names.

My boyfriend says my wanting to keep my name tells him I am not committed. He says he'd be really hurt if I did it. I feel that retaining my name is the ultimate in female empowerment. The tradition of women changing their last name goes back to when we were treated as property and not educated. What do you think I should do?- Sally Rogers

Dear Sally,

First off, I don't agree that dropping your maiden name and accepting his means you are being treated as "property", or that you aren't educated. At the same time, your boyfriend's belief that you aren't "committed" because you wish to keep your maiden name is equally as ridiculous.
Do what you want Sally. This is about you. It doesn't have a god damn thing to do with him or his views on traditional marriage.

If you want to keep your maiden name, hyphenate it and add his at the end, that's it. End of discussion. Besides, what's he gonna do about it, leave you? Good! Because that says a lot about the kind of dick you were planning to marry in the first place. At the end of the day, it's none of his fuckin' business. In marriage, his only business is to love you unconditionally. I mean you aren't even married yet and he's acting like a spoiled 3 year old who isn't getting his way.

If I was a woman I'd keep my last name too. It's amazing how some of us guys can't understand how a woman wants to be proud of the family she comes from. To the end.

Look, tell Fred Flinstone to back off the gas pedal and learn to accept you for the woman you are, understand and appreciate the choices you make, at the same time making sacrifices of his own for the woman he loves.

Otherwise he'll have you out in the field pickin' berries.